If you're wondering what I've been up to since I got to Chicago a week ago, I can sum it up in two words:
I get lost on the way to the grocery store. Lost on my way to pick up my cousin for dinner. I was all proud of myself Tuesday because I managed to find a furniture outlet on the city's northwest side in record time -- but then I got confused on the way home, and stuck behind the wheel during rush hour for two hours.
The only good thing about spending all this time in Gus is that it allows me to catch up on all the big hits on the radio.
And that has led me to an important discovery about recording artists our age.
They are some truly awful poets getting played on the air.
Gone are the days when sultry voices croon love songs that make us melt. Here's how today's performers profess their passion (a few of the examples from my car research):
The "Rogaine" song:
"I'd buy you Rogaine. When you start losing all your hair
Sew on patches to all you tear." -- Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am
Oh Honey, I love you so much I'll spring for the balding cream for your shiny head.
American Idol Girl's Ink:
"You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo,
just like a tattoo
I'll always have you
I'll always have you. -- Jordin Sparks -- Tattoo
This made me laugh out loud. How is being compared to a tattoo romantic?
he want that lovey dovey (lovey dovey)
kiss kiss (kiss kiss)
Her mind she fantasize bout' gettin' wit' me
They hatin' on me (hatin' on me)
They only diss diss (diss diss)
Cause' she mine, and so fine
and thick as can be -- Chris Brown Featuring T. Pain "Kiss Kiss"
Not only is there the clever kiss/kiss/diss/diss pairing, but he tells her he loves her because she's thick. Be still my heart.
I'm sure music snobs will say that pop music lyrics are always bad, and that you can't expect much from manufactured sounds that get repeated every hour. But (yes, I'll admit it) I'm usually pretty versed on Top 40 garbage, and I swear this batch of bad lyrics is worse than any I've ever heard before.
I mean - don't these stars have producers or publicists to stop them from their embarrassing verse? Could they possibly be letting the bad lyrics slide because they think, gasp, that they're beautiful?
Now that I've started paying attention to this stuff, I can barely stand it. I'll be all alone, lost on Chicago's streets, and screaming at the radio.
For the sake of not scaring away potential new friends in this new city, I think I'm going to need to start carrying around CDs in my car. Or just walking everywhere.