Tuesday, January 22, 2008

You Be the Judge

So I got an e-mail from my friend Lia this morning, asking if there was any way to check if a guy is married through an Internet search.

Naturally, I had to ask why.

Well as it turned out, Lia met a guy from Match.com for a date last night. They'd spoken on the phone a few times and he seemed like a cool enough person. He was went to a fancy boarding school as a kid, was now older, established and seemed to have his life in order.

The early impression prompted us to give him an early nickname: The Adult.

OK, so get this. Lia goes to meet The Adult for dinner. But before even sitting down, something catches her totally off guard. The Adult has a wedding ring on!

Lia asks about it right away and he goes on to explain, but Lia isn't listening because she's too busy contemplating bolting for the door. The rest of the date goes by reasonably well, and then he follows up with an AIM conversation today.

This time Lia is ready to demand some answers. She asks what the deal was and these were The Adult's explanation points:

-- His father is in the jewelry business and his step brother is getting married
-- He has acquired 4 rings from estate people (they were all worn by people who are important to his bro e.g. former mayors, etc) and he and his bro are the same ring size
-- so he has been trying them on, before deciding which to bring back east for his bro to choose from
-- apparently he was trying one of the rings on last night before we met, and forgot to take it off

When I read through the list, I thought, Oh Come ON. That sounds reallly weird. I asked Lia if he seemed nervous or fidgety going through his story, and she said, no, he actually seemed pretty straightforward and honest.

She joked with The Adult that it felt like a Seinfeld episode, and told me later that while she's inclined to believe him, the jury is still out.

So, members of the jury, what do you think?

Is this guy believable or totally full of it?

(And if it's the latter, do some married men honestly believe women won't mind that they're total cheaterface jerks?)


1 packerfan said...


Here is one way to tell...have him take it off. If he has been wearing the ring for any length of time there will be an indentation in his ring finger as well as some overall shiny whiteness ...if not, he might be telling the truth. This isn't perfect but my ring has been off all of maybe once in 16 years...I have a circle on my finger where it is so if I took it off...it would be obvious that I wore one...of course she could always google him or his address...not perfect but it does work sometimes...

Good Luck,
Im still just ed...

deanna said...

that is the worse lie I ever heard OR the weirdest truth I ever heard. I'm going with the former. I don't know- I think is he was really "trying" on rings he would have been very conscious of the fact that he had a date and taken it off before the date so he wouldn't have to explain something that sounded so ridiculous.

InFact said...

As a married man for many years who has remained faithful, I don't think I am able comment well on The Adult's intentions.

BUT the truth will arrive soon enough.

When she visits his place in the process of finding out more about him, then your friend will get her answer.

Would I wear a ring to a date if I were cheating on my wife and wanting a new suitor/mistress?

Probably not. It's sorta obvious.

So maybe he is telling the truth?

By the way, in a possible related sidebar, your female friend may want to ask why herself why she's interested in someone her senior by many years? What's up with that? That seems strange, unless all she's seeking is to be wined and dined with someone with $$ and she doesn't have as many $$ as she wished (or she's tired of dating men who are not stable financially).

InFact said...

(And if it's the latter, do some married men honestly believe women won't mind that they're total cheaterface jerks?)>

That's true, I believe.

Some men believe women want to fool around without committment -- and will be glad to do so with a married man.

In my experience, a vast minority of women would opt for a married man.

BUT that won't stop a jerky married man from lying to a woman. As long as he gets what he wants, some jerky married men will do whatever it takes.

It's rough seas out there, ladies, so watch out for the pirates who have hidden their rings.

ABC123 said...


I don't think Vikki's female friend is looking to date someone with money, because she doesn't have money of her own. Any why is there an automatic correlation between older men and being financially stable?

News Flash: It's 2008. There are a lot of women out there who are financially stable on their own, without any help from an "older man".

Oh yeah...and she probably accepted the date with the older man (who we don't even know how MUCH older he is...there was no mention in the blog), because men are less mature than women. She probably seeks to date older men because they match her in maturity and intellect.

InFact said...


You're correct. I erred. Mea culpa.

BUT it's still equivocal.

It's not known from the article as to why she's attracted to him.

I'll agree with you that some women find older men attractive because the latter are more mature.

Good thought. I'll try to improve my gender biased judgments in life. Glad you pointed out my error.

John said...

Some women engage in relationships with married men for a variety of reasons. Some, also don't do that at all and would never consider it. I believe you are underestimating the former's numbers a bit. I've seen it enough to say that it isn't extremely isolated. I probably sound redundant but this again would be a non gender specific thing. Some cheating women out there too.(married with single guys, married w married guys, single with married guys)

I know plenty of married guys who don't wear rings simply because they don't like to wear them, and not for alterior motives either.

Yes wearing a ring and being married would seem pretty silly but perhaps he was busy and forgot and made a silly mistake. Perhaps he was being truthful?

If she is not comfortable, she should check this out right away before moving forward. If it is done quickly, simply, it shouldn't be an issue to move forward. He wouldn't mind and would understand the hesitations.

InFact said...


I don't understand what you mean in your first paragraph comment.

Can you explain "former's" numbers in terms of underestimating?


John said...


Re-read Vikki's last couple of lines. She only discusses men's actions and behavior, perhaps because she is a woman and didn't think, nor doesn't know of women personally who have acted in a similar manner as perhaps this male did in the example.

I said by discluding women, Vikki seems to underestimate the amount of women who cheat, and the variety of reasons for which they do, ...boredom, opportunity, bad current relationship, etc...

This isn't a gender specific issue,(cheating), nor a greatly one sided issue either.

If the woman in this example is unsure, then get some facts asap before moving on, and if he is truthful, he won't mind the initial investigation, as long as it is done simply, quickly, without paranoia.

Paco said...
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Lynn said...

Where did the assumption come about this guy's age? All Vikki said was that he went to a boarding school as a child, and he was now older, bla bla bla. Either way, he's married & is so confident in his appeal that he probably thinks it doesn't even matter if he's married, OR he's single & unbelieveably in the dark as to how this looks. Neither is good, and not worth the time getting involved with.

Paco said...
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Lynn said...

Paco - I am single, and apparently desperate since I too do the online dating thing. I've done Match, Yahoo Personals, American Singles & eHarmony. I'm 35, divorced, and think that life is too short to spend time getting to know someone who has sent up a red flag right off the bat. We want to see the good in people, so sometimes we are willing to give them a pass when we shouldn't, and that can eventually snowball to the point where you're putting up with behavior that in hindsight is truly unacceptable.

InFact said...

Lynn is spot-on and wise in her last comment.

Look, as a happily married guy who hasn't dated for a long time, I don't pretend to be current with today's dating scene.

But I've witnessed the shenanigans men pull on women to take advantage of them.

Unfortunately, the smart woman plays by many rules that include fun and romance, but another postulate to covet is "guilty until proven innocent" when red flags like a ring appear.

You just never know these days. So a woman can never be too vigilant in getting to know the true character of a man.

To me, the best ways for a woman to detect the personality of a man is to see him operate within social situations (e.g., friend's wedding, restaurant waitress, family gatherings, company party, etc.)

I don't mean to be crass, but it takes a couple of years for the true character to emerge after one's own vision of expectations and idealized romance wear off.

Paco said...
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Lynn said...

Paco - why do you feel the need to veer off topic & jab at me when you don't know me? I certainly haven't directed any personal attacks at you, and this is not the forum for that. Not that it's any of your business, here's my situation: I fell in love with someone that had a "past" substance abuse problem. Well past was really present & future. We were together for 5 years that were littered with drug binges, money "mysteriously" disappearing, and me basically not being able to trust anything he said. But I loved him, so I stayed with him. I gave him more than enough chances to get help, and he chose not to until AFTER I left him. So don't even GO there about running away when it get's tough in a relationship.

jac said...



More light, less heat -- as your judgment is anonymous,
BUT mean-spirited and, perhaps, without value or merit or truth..........because who knows Lynn's life situation other than herself?

Personally, I would never presume to know someone's reasons for a relationship/marriage breakup -- and then presume to correlate a current opinion with a past situation.

Sorry, but the truth is:

How simplistic you are – and, hopefully, not clueless in having an ability to discern your own inner reactions as reason to vent upon someone else.

Paco said...
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Lynn said...

Isn't that what Vikki is asking for? Our opinion on her friend's situation, given a limited amount of information? Truly, any of us putting in our two cents ARE being quick to judge.

Best of luck to all in their quest to find or keep a relationship. And Milwaukee misses you Vikki!

jac said...

"Lynn-That's exactly why you are single. And probably will be for a long time."

Paco, who has the "nerve" (your word)?

Your statement above is one of the meanest anyone could enter in a response to Lynn's original one.

You should apologize to her -- rather than continuing your adamancy with me.

Paco said...
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Brian said...

Keep the gloves up!

jac said...

With all due respect Paco, go back and read the original progression of the comments.

Who was the first person to begin the judgments?

Even Lynn called you out before I did?

When will you be accountable, Paco?

I had two associates at work read the entire chronology of comments, and both agreed that your comment to Lynn was not fair and that you began the problem.

jac said...

Ghosttown blog? Vikki's busy, but we'll bepatirnt readers cuz' we're kind bloggers.